You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
