I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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