I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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