Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
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Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
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Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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