My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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