Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Are we still banned from the library?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
