At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize