It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
