Kareoke will never be a sober sport
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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