Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
