Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
