wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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