the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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