Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
