Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I need to calm my uterus...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
