I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Come on in and take your pants off
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