I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
