Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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