Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
