So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
