Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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