totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
