Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
