Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
