she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
