remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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