Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
