She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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