I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
