This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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