Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The beer is more important than you right now.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
