he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
