it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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