If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
