I hate all girls vehemently.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
