She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
