Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
