did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize