we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
