Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
