I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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