I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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