Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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