You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
