I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
