OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
