My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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