she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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