i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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