she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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