Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
