If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
