I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Please don't give away my fajitas
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
