Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
