my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
