I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
