Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
